


One by one

by BeamsnBows



Series: Rebuilding the Nest [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Gen, Internal Conflict, may deal with suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-28 12:33:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeamsnBows/pseuds/BeamsnBows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following entries are journals submitted by Barton, Clinton .F.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June 3rd

June 3rd,

I’m not going do this.  
\- Barton


	2. June 4th

June 4th,  
You’re all nuts if you think I’ll write out anything here. I know Fury’ll see these (Hi Fury!).  
\- Barton


	3. June 11th

June 11th,  
This isn’t going to help. But none of what you’re doing seems to help either. Nat’s been nagging me so I guess one can’t hurt. 

I went to the range today, shot anything I could get my hands on. Maybe you guys shouldn’t have given me full access. But that’s on you all. 

Food was shit in the cafe today. Has the food always been this shit? Was that memorial wall always outside the cafe? There’s a lot more names on it now than I remember.   
-Barton


	4. June 14th

June 14th,  
You know I what I really hate, that tuna casserole thing on Wednesdays. It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten. And I’ve eaten a lot of shit. Fuck, right I forgot I was asked to _Please not use inappropriate language in journal entries_. Screw you pal they’re my entries. And screw this journal, that’s just a nice way of saying diary. Why did I even bother coming back to this?  
-Barton


	5. June 18th

Dear Diary,  
Today was my birthday. Tasha brought me a piece of tuna casserole with a candle in it. She thinks she’s fucking hilarious. Alright I’ll be serious now since she flicked me. For a secret organization you suck at making this not look obvious. I know she’s here to make sure I pump out shit about my feelings.

I hate the cafe, like high school all over again. Not that I was there much, but I mean the Hollywood kind of high school with the cliques. Anyway I’m just gonna start eating in my room now. No point in going places I know I’m not wanted. I went down do the range again. Beat my own record. I looked around for Harris, my range buddy. I haven’t seen him since  
-Barton


	6. June 19th

June 19th,  
Found Harris. He was on the memorial wall. I probably put him there. I put so many people there. So many innocents. I couldn’t fight it. Couldn’t fight hard enough. I haven't slept in a while, probably should  
-Barton


	7. June 20th

June 20th  
Still haven’t slept. Not sure I want to. What I’m not going to the cafe today. I wonder if I can make a request to get meals sent to my quarters. I mean I’m at a high enough level right? 

Shit I can’I can’t do it. You know I thought I was doing pretty good. Two weeks after the New York and I still couldn’t sleep but then week three hit and I achieved peace. I think. And now that peace is gone, now I’m only numb all over and that’s not enough to sleep. 

What if it comes back? What if one knock on the head wasn’t enough? What if it’s just dormant, lying and waiting for me to become vulnerable enough not to be able to fight it off? What if it’s waiting for me to fall asleep? What if it comes back  
-Barton


	8. June 22nd

June 22nd  
Those pills you gave me worked. Knocked me out like a fucking baby. They’re really great I mean I don’t even dream when I take them. Cause the worst thing that could happen now is more dreams more nightmares. If I’m not remembering little snips about my time then I’m dreaming about it. And I can’t I can’t do that anymore.

I forced Nat to show my security footage from the beginning of that night. I don’t know how many times she’s watched it either. Probably a lot. Anyway I my memory was right I could still fight it back then. I spared Fury. I spared and stalled them. I missed hitting Hill. I don’t miss. I could still fight it back then. What changed I let them  
-Barton


	9. June 23rd

June 23rd   
I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t move on from it. Sometimes when I turn a corner I feel like I’ve been hit with a flashback, and I’ve got an urge to duck and cover to hide away from it so it can’t get me again. But nothing’s there. Nothing’s ever there. 

I took myself of the Range’s roster. I don’t think I can keep going down there anymore. The range used to be MY place. Now I’ve got nothing left.  
-Barton


	10. June 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone for their support so far. I'm glad to see there are others who'd like to see an insight into how Clint's maybe been since the events of The Avengers.

June 24th   
I could see out but it was like a video tape being sped up. I remember that. I was trapped in my own head. Like in a cartoon when you’ve got a little version of yourself running around and they start banging on your eye from the inside. I haven’t told you this before but that’s what it was like. I could see out and I could scream as loud as I wanted but my mouth didn’t move. I was trapped and I couldn’t control it. 

I was interrogated fuck knows how many times now after it all. Asked over and over what I saw, what I heard. But that’s the thing. For all the shit that I saw or I think I saw, I couldn’t hear a damn thing. It was muffled like trying to listen to something through a closed door. And it’s all so fucking unhelpful. I’ve never felt more useless than I do now. I’m just a waste of resources at this point.  
-Barton


	11. June 25th

June 25th   
I can’t help but think I never did enough. Could I’ve fought harder against myself? Could I’ve changed myself back? Today Today you said I was valuable that’s why their wasting resources on me. But once They pick my brain and hit the goldmine will the resources stop? Fuck am I even worth the waste? I know I’m not  
-Barton


	12. June 26th

June 26th   
I thought I was getting better. Way back at the beginning. Guess I really wasn’t. There’s no point in trying to trick myself any longer.

Maybe dad was right all those years back. I’m just a waste of space. But there’s no point in offing myself here. I’d just be another name on the wall. Cept my name wouldn’t deserve to be there.  
-Barton


	13. June 27th

June 27th   
I can’t. I can’t leave my room any more. I know everyone is staring. Waiting. Wondering. When I’m gonna let them down, again. Just like I did with Dad. With mom. With Barney. I can’t stop thinking what if it’s not gone. What if it’s gonna come back. When?  
-Barton


	14. June 28th

June 28th   
I can still remember how it felt being turned. The tip was really sharp. Sometimes I think I can still feel it. Like someone pressing a knife to your skin, pressing hard enough to pierce the first layer of skin but not any deeper. And cold it was so cold starting from the middle of my chest going down to the tips of my toes and up into my brain. I swear to god it felt like my heart stopped and my brain actually froze. And then a reboot. Except when I started back up I wasn’t me  
-Barton


	15. June 30th

June 30th  
I’m getting headaches again. I don’t know what’s causing them this time. And god my body aches all over. I probably should’ve told you this in session. But I don’t want more pills. They aren’t helping, just a waste.   
-Barton


	16. July 2nd

July 2nd   
Why was it me? Why was I chosen? What if I didn’t make myself such a big target? Heart he said I had heart. I hear that, in all my dreams my nightmares. Heart. I don’t want heart. What if I stopped having heart so this couldn’t happen again not to me.  
-Barton


	17. July 3rd

July 3rd   
Tomorrow’s the 4th. Maybe it’ll be good to for me. Haven’t had a visitor in fuck I don’t know when. I think the Captain tried to see me once way back. He wasn’t let through. Maybe that or he gave up. What’s that say about me  
-Barton


	18. July 4th

July 4th  
I want it all to stop. Need it to stop. The noise the Everyone seems so happy. Why can’t I get happy with them. It’s not fair. It’s Guess I am just a lost cause   
-Barton


	19. July 11th

July 11th  
It’s been a week since my last thing sorry I guess . Actually I’m not. I’m not sorry I angry I’m fucking raging. We caught him and let him go. Go back to where the fuck ever but how do we know he’s gone? How do we KNOW he isn’t getting off scott free back there. Why the FUCK are we believing the word of a goddamn ALIEN. How do we know it won’t come back. How do  
-Barton


	20. July 13th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long, this passed weekend was thanksgiving. Then I had midterms, but luckily I've been able to get out some more updates for you all. Thanks so much for all your positive responses thus far, it really helps me know that I'm going forward in the right direction. So Thank you all.

July 13th   
I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of everything. I can’t sleep again, and everything aches. And fuck me I just want to stop being ANGRY. I’m tired of being angry, I’m tired of being sad, lonely. Everything , I’m tired of all of it.  
-Barton


End file.
